Empty
Why an empty heart is the heaviest to carry?
Now, the feeling of emptiness fills my head. I question a lot regarding this. It feels like I need to wear fake kinds of feelings just to survive everyday. Like smile even I don't feel like to, excited when it's just nothing, willingly acccept what hurts me like I deserve that and many more unreal things.
Am I torturing myself? Do I need to change and be like somebody else? Should I just be selfish or care about others just a little but not too much? And many more thoughts running through my head and lingering in me most of the quiet time. No answers, just more and more questions.
I even think that I'm losing myself and realize that I've been lost for a long time. I want to be back like who am I used to be but I just can't. No interest to even really try. The me before is someone who truthfully cherish people around, less suspicious on every single thing, make others feel really attached even not lots in numbers, and always want to strive for the best. But now, it almost completely feels like nothing. This feeling worse than those times I feel down which at least I feel, sigh. I do think I'm allowed to live in mess as I'm not that worthy, there's nothing special in me or even out me, my values might be cheaper than rest, and all those negatives only. Can I hate myself even more and blaming myself for everything happens? Just like what people said, don't blame other things, blame yourself 'only' ?
So please, try not to add more struggles to anybody else by judging or criticizing themselves always or every time and act like know everything happens in their life since born. We are so different simply because we came from different background, went through different things, shaped in different forms and in short it's just never similar. Even thare's no empathy, just respect the difference.
Now, the feeling of emptiness fills my head. I question a lot regarding this. It feels like I need to wear fake kinds of feelings just to survive everyday. Like smile even I don't feel like to, excited when it's just nothing, willingly acccept what hurts me like I deserve that and many more unreal things.
Am I torturing myself? Do I need to change and be like somebody else? Should I just be selfish or care about others just a little but not too much? And many more thoughts running through my head and lingering in me most of the quiet time. No answers, just more and more questions.
I even think that I'm losing myself and realize that I've been lost for a long time. I want to be back like who am I used to be but I just can't. No interest to even really try. The me before is someone who truthfully cherish people around, less suspicious on every single thing, make others feel really attached even not lots in numbers, and always want to strive for the best. But now, it almost completely feels like nothing. This feeling worse than those times I feel down which at least I feel, sigh. I do think I'm allowed to live in mess as I'm not that worthy, there's nothing special in me or even out me, my values might be cheaper than rest, and all those negatives only. Can I hate myself even more and blaming myself for everything happens? Just like what people said, don't blame other things, blame yourself 'only' ?
So please, try not to add more struggles to anybody else by judging or criticizing themselves always or every time and act like know everything happens in their life since born. We are so different simply because we came from different background, went through different things, shaped in different forms and in short it's just never similar. Even thare's no empathy, just respect the difference.
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